what is it you want?

Cool breez blowing and I wish it was metaphoric as well.

Ok, so my bubble bursts and then what? I realise life is serious, very very serious. But am I supposed to sit back and watch it all go by.....inactive? Fight, without attachment. Ok, I will fight without attachment. I have done it before though I swore, after it, I wouldn't do it again. It's like telly invading your life, a really crappy telly show. Give me some banal English comedy please.

I just want happy, happy, not some wasted human, hysterical with angst at trying to negotiate life. I don't want paranoid associates with hang ups from some social fall out called aparthied. I want stupid, happy Aussies who just don't give a shit. I want them to live with a laugh, shake it off and try to enjoy the tiny fragmants that maya throws us. If going back to God head requires a serious collision with depression, I'm not sure I am up to it. I want laughter, perspective. I want reason and thought. God, take the emotional crapp out and dump it in the trash. Wasted breathes in sobs for naught.

So that's my take for the moment. You got to see this to believe it. I honestly thought the script of Days of our lives was unreal. It's bloody real. There are a whole bunch of nutters out there just waiting to make your life hell. Oh ......how terribly unhumble of me. Lets take the other stance. I have a mirror placed in front of me. I see that I should never criticise; ok, can do. I see I should be tender; that's a bit tougher but I will try. I see that I am supposed to be a punching bag........ok, maybe you lose me there. Not recalling any recent hysterical attacks on anyone bar me but then maybe my memory has strategically failed me. I know.....borring.

You work in a hot class room for 6 hours. You come home to cook for the family, make sure the boarders are ok, do the puja and entertain random and perpetual guests. It's not good enough. I never wanted to be a super woman. Why are they asking it of me? If I fail so badly, how is it non of these woman can get on board and do anything? "Oh sweety, I would love to help; all of half an hour a day" After all we have our husbands to feed and our children to tend. Bah and humbug.

I may have had it coming for whatever reason but it ain't over and i know those wheels turn slowly but they grind mighty fine. I'm feelin the crunch now and I know I shall be in good enough company soon enough. Gees, I started blaming the moldavite [rock] but in essence, I know, inspite of the pain it's good for me. If I can remain equiposed and why shouldn't I, then I will be that much closer to real tribulations......like that one about ...dying. These, in effect are really nothing at all but mental. You have to think of some poor bastard getting physically tortured to realise tribulation. What am I whining about. My charmed life is not full of well wishers. Big deal, I'm not the nicest bitch I ever knew, what did I expect?

You can tell by the swearing that I'm a bit edgy. My pride is wounded but it probably needed some fine tuning anyway.

Shaka fell down the stairs and broke her bum, so to speak. It's excusably a bummer as she was on a good roll. [Think I am reading too much Asterix.] Must focus on bannisters. They were constructed for very good reasons. I climb stairs in a state of prayer. These stairs are cement with no slip strips. You go down these and you could be crippled. No soft rotting wood for us. Hard red cement and lots of it. When you come to India one of the predominant smells is cement, strange that. Cement mixed with cheap and nasty disinfectant. Of course if you are catching a domestic flight the cabin smells of incense. It's as if all have come from their home puja and the residual smell sticks to their cloth.

Vrnda's birthday today. We were caught unawares as life has been so insanely intense lately. I offered up a fresh chapati with some pomegranate seeds saying happy birthday. Well I offered to do it, she just got the chapati, I was too busy for the rest. What with making sure I am seen to be seen as a seen devotee to please what appears to be some ungrateful Brazilians. Not fired up enough for them. What to do? I love religious nutters who get off on making other peoples lives miserable if they too, are not religious nutters. Leave well alone and each to his own pace thank you. Bunch of misfits.

I'll figure it out in time. Srila Prabhupada must have been inconcievably wise, tolerant, understanding and most of all, inspite of it all, hopeful. That is the real trick; to keep your chin up when it keeps getting pounded. Roll with the punches. I feel for those public personalities, celebrities. Everyday they are psychically attacked just because that's what people like to do. Just like Tigers eat flesh, people go for each other. Envy, malice blah blah, all those cheery things I love about uncohesive groups. We might all like Krsna but I'm not sure what we are trying to do to each other. But as Prabhupada and Krsna said, love is cooperation.

I will cooperate but not indulge. I have cooperated. I am cooperating so Please Krsna, make the uglies go away because they are turning cooperating into a painful experience. Actually, a dangerous one. They would do me in as much as look at me. Mustn't be able to cooperate with me.

So what do you reckon? Let em just go for it. Tear us apart? Because cooperating with us is unthinkable. Abhorent, amoral. Wake up and open your eyes please. These guys need to join.....I know what it is....a caste system. I think South Africa pretty much mastered that in it's most perverse sense and I think it's perversion is what they are after.

I'm crapping on too much. Not even a therapist would put up with this.