interrupted weeks lapse into leisure

The screen has a couple of pages open and I can see Badens face pocking from behind this one. It is odd to have it pop up like that. He works as an associate Professor at Southern Cross Uni in the Arts department. He was one of the lovely people there, that made re-entering education a joy instead of a terror. Egalitarian and open.....to a couple of strange Hares that bred way too much. He demands a lot but I would love to bring his rigour here. You could dismantle this place ideologically but there would still be something left. An experience intangible although supported by the structure but not really of it.

Read the biography of Goerge Harrison called Here comes the Sun. It was primarily about his spiritual quest. I'm not sure he was focusing on Krsna on his exit but maybe you don't necessarily have to to go back. Maybe Krsna wants you more than you want him. I mean the guy had more than half the world chanting hare Krsna. Thats gotta be a weird thing to do and then not commune with krsna at death? What do i know? The picture is way too big for my pea brain and when I struggle with it I get a head ache.

Meetings, meetings, meetings, to accomplish? Stagnant inability to make stands. Get along with each other so we can along. I guess we are just watching time go by so might as well make it pleasent. The day is easy on me for now. The house is clean and the kids are happy and engaged. All is going on and there are no dramas unless there is one brewing as I write. Wouldn't be surprised but I have been trying that positive thinking thing. If I am a bag of hurt then I need to fix it. Whenever I see any one that looks like Vrkadar I feel trepidation. That guy brought pure hell to my existance and quite a few others. What Karmic resolution was that?

Been dreaming a bit about the mother. She isn't scary or even in control anymore. It is quite a break through for me. When I first started dreaming about her she used to be this huge spider devouring and invading. Now she is merely the partner she was supposed to be in this life we shared for a bit. She consummed me but I figure the dreams are evident of s tronger sense of self. This self thing is so darn painful. it's like looking into an abyss of unresolved emotion.

Bhakti Tirtha's disciples had a tribute to his passing yesterday. One of his disciples was telling us about Sunday classes he would give where he would be crying, every Sunday. Bhakti Tirtha was born in Cleveland in 1950 into abject poverty. He was educated at university due to a scholarship because he was particularly bright. He was first a humanist and then a spiritualist. That's what I got from him. That's the bit we lack in truck loads. So busy thinking about our own passage back to God head and forgetting each other. It's insane. All guru while we abuse each other to attain our goals in service. What are we thinking? And if humanism comes up it is poo pooed as some deviant distraction from the goal. And yet the Lord specifically says you haven't got a hope, guys if you can't get along with each other. What God did you think you were approaching? The God that belongs to you only.

So my kids are nearly grown and I am 44. Not long to go now and with my mobile giving me the ache it does, who knows when it will be. Am I ready.........nooooooo. But I want to be, so I am torn between this humanistic thing and Krsna as I know......intrinsically know, I am not going to get away with just meditating on the Lord and be blessed with a life free of human angst. No, no not me darling; humans have got loads of scores to settle and some of them are with me, no escaping it.

The fan offers no respite to the humidity. Poor Vishaka is at the Aircon free F........

We are talking weeks later. Life bumped me away from the key board. The key board acts as some kind of test and i retreat in haste.

Reading Edgar Allen Poe and enjoying it. Tried some Maupassant, however you spell it. The french are merely hedonists, not one moment of lucid insight. It was blah blah stories of petty village existence or the disgusting antics of the empowered. Maybe it is lost in translation but I suspect the Protestant movement of Britian invigorated the spiritual perspectives of the UK while Catholic Europe fell into spiritual malais and plunged into whole sale hedonism without remorse. I see nothing in it and am sorry I bothered with Guy's efforts. It appears evident in it's literature anyway but what do I know? nearly nil.

It seems all has settled here. The kids are happy and I shift into the office so I expect next term will be easy, on my voice box if nothing else. I lost a few octaves to that class. Sucih insists that I not raise my voice but it took me a year to feel the confidence to pursue that line of action. I lost a voice.

The Youngs may come over. Dhara gets here soon and shifts into Niscaitanya's place. Shaka will try to purge the misery that still clings to the walls. Nis fell into the blame game and hasn't quite seen the potential we all have to create our own misery. Misery is usually a self inflicted concept in our priveldged positions. Heavens! What have we to really complain of? Humidity; killer stuff. Job descriptions or schemes of work? I mean, this stuff is really soul pressing stuff eh?

In the mean time all is well as the Ganga rises and Poe poses prose I fell for as a girl.
Back to my sweet Lord and a few other diversion along the way.

what is it you want?

Cool breez blowing and I wish it was metaphoric as well.

Ok, so my bubble bursts and then what? I realise life is serious, very very serious. But am I supposed to sit back and watch it all go by.....inactive? Fight, without attachment. Ok, I will fight without attachment. I have done it before though I swore, after it, I wouldn't do it again. It's like telly invading your life, a really crappy telly show. Give me some banal English comedy please.

I just want happy, happy, not some wasted human, hysterical with angst at trying to negotiate life. I don't want paranoid associates with hang ups from some social fall out called aparthied. I want stupid, happy Aussies who just don't give a shit. I want them to live with a laugh, shake it off and try to enjoy the tiny fragmants that maya throws us. If going back to God head requires a serious collision with depression, I'm not sure I am up to it. I want laughter, perspective. I want reason and thought. God, take the emotional crapp out and dump it in the trash. Wasted breathes in sobs for naught.

So that's my take for the moment. You got to see this to believe it. I honestly thought the script of Days of our lives was unreal. It's bloody real. There are a whole bunch of nutters out there just waiting to make your life hell. Oh ......how terribly unhumble of me. Lets take the other stance. I have a mirror placed in front of me. I see that I should never criticise; ok, can do. I see I should be tender; that's a bit tougher but I will try. I see that I am supposed to be a punching bag........ok, maybe you lose me there. Not recalling any recent hysterical attacks on anyone bar me but then maybe my memory has strategically failed me. I know.....borring.

You work in a hot class room for 6 hours. You come home to cook for the family, make sure the boarders are ok, do the puja and entertain random and perpetual guests. It's not good enough. I never wanted to be a super woman. Why are they asking it of me? If I fail so badly, how is it non of these woman can get on board and do anything? "Oh sweety, I would love to help; all of half an hour a day" After all we have our husbands to feed and our children to tend. Bah and humbug.

I may have had it coming for whatever reason but it ain't over and i know those wheels turn slowly but they grind mighty fine. I'm feelin the crunch now and I know I shall be in good enough company soon enough. Gees, I started blaming the moldavite [rock] but in essence, I know, inspite of the pain it's good for me. If I can remain equiposed and why shouldn't I, then I will be that much closer to real tribulations......like that one about ...dying. These, in effect are really nothing at all but mental. You have to think of some poor bastard getting physically tortured to realise tribulation. What am I whining about. My charmed life is not full of well wishers. Big deal, I'm not the nicest bitch I ever knew, what did I expect?

You can tell by the swearing that I'm a bit edgy. My pride is wounded but it probably needed some fine tuning anyway.

Shaka fell down the stairs and broke her bum, so to speak. It's excusably a bummer as she was on a good roll. [Think I am reading too much Asterix.] Must focus on bannisters. They were constructed for very good reasons. I climb stairs in a state of prayer. These stairs are cement with no slip strips. You go down these and you could be crippled. No soft rotting wood for us. Hard red cement and lots of it. When you come to India one of the predominant smells is cement, strange that. Cement mixed with cheap and nasty disinfectant. Of course if you are catching a domestic flight the cabin smells of incense. It's as if all have come from their home puja and the residual smell sticks to their cloth.

Vrnda's birthday today. We were caught unawares as life has been so insanely intense lately. I offered up a fresh chapati with some pomegranate seeds saying happy birthday. Well I offered to do it, she just got the chapati, I was too busy for the rest. What with making sure I am seen to be seen as a seen devotee to please what appears to be some ungrateful Brazilians. Not fired up enough for them. What to do? I love religious nutters who get off on making other peoples lives miserable if they too, are not religious nutters. Leave well alone and each to his own pace thank you. Bunch of misfits.

I'll figure it out in time. Srila Prabhupada must have been inconcievably wise, tolerant, understanding and most of all, inspite of it all, hopeful. That is the real trick; to keep your chin up when it keeps getting pounded. Roll with the punches. I feel for those public personalities, celebrities. Everyday they are psychically attacked just because that's what people like to do. Just like Tigers eat flesh, people go for each other. Envy, malice blah blah, all those cheery things I love about uncohesive groups. We might all like Krsna but I'm not sure what we are trying to do to each other. But as Prabhupada and Krsna said, love is cooperation.

I will cooperate but not indulge. I have cooperated. I am cooperating so Please Krsna, make the uglies go away because they are turning cooperating into a painful experience. Actually, a dangerous one. They would do me in as much as look at me. Mustn't be able to cooperate with me.

So what do you reckon? Let em just go for it. Tear us apart? Because cooperating with us is unthinkable. Abhorent, amoral. Wake up and open your eyes please. These guys need to join.....I know what it is....a caste system. I think South Africa pretty much mastered that in it's most perverse sense and I think it's perversion is what they are after.

I'm crapping on too much. Not even a therapist would put up with this.