I FORGOT

Can’t sleep though I think I want to and of course, the lap top does what it wants to as does Srimati’s antiquated key board that kills me with frustration. It’s only good point is, it is not ingrained with filth as are the Indian Key boards.
Vishaka has come down with what we suspect is the mumps. Rasa rani now has the mumps and Typhoid and with love gave shaka a big hug before leaving Mayapur. So when this fever dies down, excuse the rotten pun, I shall take her to the hospital to check for this typhoid thing that I know nothing of bar that people die of it.
It’s crazy being here. I can not abide any politics, local or otherwise. I rant at the irrelevant nonsense on the telly and amuse myself with the evident contradictions that no one seems to be noticing. We head into full stream recession which I am willing to bet will go into a major depression and the government……. the government, comes up with the genius idea to hand out money to the poorest and there by, silliest so they can spend it so, bringing happiness to industry and ultimately, the tax coffers; all for what? To continue the enslavement of man to consumerism so as to facilitate a few who gruesomely stand by and watch having lost the novelty of consumption and now gloat over the next conquest, control over those still addicted to consuming or struglling to abnegate the awareness that they, in fact, can not do so. All this while I hear Vishaka, fretting in her sleep and I worry that this darned thing is bloody Typhoid.
Of course, our darling Srimati fears technology and refuses to get broad band, the net is down and I can not research typhus. I can’t post this whine either.
So we hit a recession. I guess that is as a good a reason to be back here as ever as when it really hits the west it will be like shit on the fan for the east. India will be decimated, but that is just my view. Maybe they can wear it and become the Brave New World. There is a laugh. All they really need to pull it off is some fresh air and maybe some public bins…….eh? I mean I like the frantic randomness. I like the manic, disabled, edginess but gees guys, does it have to be so bloody filthy. Have you no regard for your mother earth? You piss shit and spit at random, you throw your garbage in the river without a care. Christ, you toss your dead and live babies in the waters that feed the next village. I think the rules you may once have had to ensure public health are just a tad muddled and religion got mixed in with blatant foolishness. Oh , I forgot, your solution was to put more crocodiles in the river. Gee, what a darned good idea.
Well, I guess you can see that I probably need to sleep as I am criticising my holy cow, India. I am resentful just now as I had a bad trot there with a few folk that live by a different code of ethics. I watched an Australian comedian tonight by the name of Adam, I forgot, but God he was funny. So damned Australian and I so needed it. He understood it as we do. This Indian smarmy political bullshit that is simply a veneer for mafia like mentality, wreaks of hypocrisy; it makes full time harsh faced cussing Aussies look like saints, humanitarians and , get this, geniuses; that’s right guys, geniuses. We are a smart bunch. I just wasn’t smart enough to know that I didn’t need to leave to get it. I don’t regret going. It blew my mind but I stayed too long and it proceeded to fracture my heart. When I watch the news now and see any human tragedy I struggle to prevent the tears. I don’t think anyone around me knows how bad I feel inside and I don’t think any of them could understand. I am trying to figure it out. Is it long term grief accumulated by a collection of things?
We moved to West Bengal, we taught and worked really hard. We dreamt and hoped but we were usurped, undermined, maligned, slandered and in the end a coo finished it off. We lost the school. We lost our children’s safe education. We lost a home, a car and our health. Hey we even lost a couple of Gurus. One to politics, he favoured it over his relationship with Sucih, he being PVS. And Jayapatak was devastated by a stroke that will have him crippled for life because no one cared to care for him. Maybe they tried but it seems, not bloody hard enough. He can’t even breath on his own and some of his ungrateful god brothers think this is some type of symptom of spiritual inferiority. Christ, is nothing sacred amongst you guys. You’d tear each other up just as soon as gnaw on each other’s bones. Descendents of rackshasa and Indians, well what resides there now, what ever they have descended from it lost its grace long ago. Hey Pramamanjari. Just wave those cheques about and the world is at your finger tips. You can even judge us if you have enough dough. Hey, do you believe in Karma by any chance?
I do , so I bow down and thank the lord for caring for me and giving me enough pain to know that I am alive which is a something because though there are a few funny live wires in Aus with God given intelligence, quite a few of them are asleep, permanently. It really is too peaceful here to do anything else.
Oh, and the colic I got somewhere between here and Kolkata. What happened in that restaurant called Fire and Ice? Or was it the plane? Or is it the lota I drank from that Gauranitai had used. He has some cronic intestinal fluke that has troubled him a lot. Bargh.
I went into an op shop looking for a top for shaka. Can’t seem to keep away from lace and silver bicky trays. Homless and hopeless eh?
I’m thinking heaven in the foot hills and an old cottage with a bit of wear that can handle us. A seriously submissive partner would make it all perfect. One power trip from him and he can ………well you can imagine what a girl might say after the shit I have been through. I do not need any more bullshit form anyone. For me, he was one of the main contenders. What an obnoxious bastard he was in the office. Such grave contempt he had for me and why? stress or an innate sense of superiority? In a moment of generosity I would say we think differently and even be glad of it, but I think it really amounts to a pricks mentality and I am sure it will resolve itself. I certainly will not take any more of it. One hint of mister prick and it is prick loka.
hey, I edited my words for the sake of a few. Sorry. Must not be too tired when writing but hey, I don;t think the kids read it.
No worries, we shall have trees to gloat over and Radha can figure out her gravy train ride out of here.
Too bitter now. Not constructive at all. Wanted to vent I suppose. Must find that great word to name my blog. You, or should I say I will love it.

The bane or bris....e

I couldn't think of a more inane heading for subjects so diverse. My daughters are bickering over bloody eye black. WHo blacks eyes? Desperate measures for the misdirected.
My 9 year old son is attached to the remote. We don't have a tv and our Kolkata facility does. I am convincing myself that I am giving access to diversity. Tom and Jerry? Well, you could liken it to ..........some after your job. We could call it Vaikuntha and Sucih............lame, I know. Sucih has no cheese so poor old Vaikuntha will be seriously disappointed.
Shaka has a new ipod touch. She now knows what it means to be alive. I believe only an airbook can mean living.

Ok, this is borring. The idiot box is on and idiot waves waft through the air numbing my brain and turning my insides into a complete vacummmm, suck. I am empty. Sedated, just like Huxley predicted. And hey Braja...........you must read Huxley, you simply must. The shallow creature that I am can only be explained by he.

I love Kolkata. WHy? It has texture, it has this immense sense of community. They are alive, crazy and laughing, even the beggers.

I go to Brisbane, actually Bane is the term. the bane of our lives. Bris...........brisque brise is about it. Look it up should you not know.

God, I need a camera. I am going to obtain an iphone. All in one. I am sure I could write a book on that thing but maybe it would not be read.............

So we Leave Mayapur and this time I am not sorry on one level. Some there are just making it kinda narcky for us while others are being plain kind. I almost feel more sad for them than me.
Next chapter and from here, in all self preserving humility, it is looking good............ God willing.

And then there is the girl girl that "needs to release the thesis"

We will meet again.

slipping

He is sick, so sick we may never seem as we did again. Our only mercy is he hasn't left but in the end it is simply a preparation for the inevitable, be it now or later, we all pass from each other and our connections, tentative, imaginative, real or not, will have to sustain us because our bodies certainly wont. No more smiles, glances, words and passing by one another. No more touching of the head with the big stick and that hopeful smile in my direction, faith where non other had any.

I dreamt a long while ago that we hugged. I figured then that he accepted me and he had. I liked him and grew more and more fond of his child like nature. His immersion in Caitanya Lila. His impetuous need to keep moving as if compelled to achieve the unachievable. It is over now. He has stopped and may never move again. he may never speak again. Knowing him he will try hard to make it all work in spite of it all. One of the matajies saw him indicating for something, it was not his beads or his clicker. She realised later it was his black berry. I like that.

Save the past cos the future is a question, .........but I always thought there would be more.
I rode the roof of the bus down the Nepalese mountain and shared it with him. He was concerned. It was my last letter from him. I am only sorry my letters to him were so utterly self centered. I will not do it again.

He was recently so unwell looking and yet no one stopped him but then again who could. I guess some simply don't care either. Some were so cruel as to see the departure of Tamal as a mere event to forget. Can the heart get so hard? Can the sacred be lost even in death?

At such a cost.

Good bye.

We had two weeks in Vrndavan. The sadhus are inspiring. I love that conviction to the other worldy while all the while I am compelled to engage with the world. Good bye.....is life unkind?

Syncronicity appears and I heard from Keli kundali. I was thinking of her as I was a few others..

Radha got initiated by Indradumnya maharaj as did Vrnda. They are now Sri Radha ballabha and kamlaksi respectively,
I am proud that they have made the commitment and Radha is concerned for my spiritual life. Cute. But depression will always get me, comes with the age. But I am grateful, I am not alone.

Now tell me, where to go in the this quest to facilitate the family in pursuit of the spiritual. The spiritual requires the mercy of Laxmi. I have yet to master acquiring her grace but I must humbly request it as the family needs it more than ever. I really feel that not a lot lays in wait for us in the west but who am I to know what the Lord has in plan. Never very clear though some tell me it is always so obvious. Too gutless to see.

Dhruva's house was a dream. Inspiring. Sucih sprained his foot so was unable to go on pilgrimage. Predictable given his emotional angst and tendency to resent all that does not suit him. He must give it up if he can not adapt and that he can't.

I would like to go to Melbourne to see some old friends. Maybe we can shack up with the relatives that are a little less than fond of me, my inlaws.

Say all our good byes and do not live allowing a moment to be regretted. A life of regret. In the end this project was eating my family up and my family is more important for now than the school. The sad bit is the guys who want to take over haven't a clue about education. The shitty irony that is life.

So maybe Melbourne to see my old loved ones though it may never be reciprocated. kama goes to the UAE. Bummer, never will pass through that place.

I'll spend my whole life............left over. he sobbed when he fell. He sobbed so hard, cathartic. he said he hated them all. it has become so ridiculous, ludicrous, insane, anarchy, careless, brutal. We exit with a wonder at how and why. Feeling unwanted, ungrateful for what we gave. Left over wine.

More sobbs to come I expect. We invested so much but I fear it is to dying movement, strangled by stupidity of the young and presumptuous. parents of toddlers, barely able to grasp English what to speak of any devotional principles.

We go........but where? To the land of clear air and simple folk. No desperate folk anxious to walk all over us to survive.

They say it is Karma.
What is it you want from us? Let me know..........