Must not drink caffeinated drinks after 12pm; oh ok 2pm but that's it. I am now wide awake and ready to face anything but the world sleeps on. Actually the facing is only theoretical. I have the energy to get from the kitchen to the bathroom to the front door and then to school when I must.
Three flights of stairs and 11 pairs of little eye balls peering at me ready to feast on the knowledge I have to offer them. I only wish I was more imaginative for their sakes. You have to give it to them for tolerance and resiliance. Even Nandu is resembling a human but i swear every time I say that he pops so I officially retract that statement.
I found an old school friend on facebook. I am so excited I feel like a sentimental old fuddy duddy. I really was very fond of her and I think growing up with some one for a bit is pretty special. I had a sister but I lost her when I was four so I never really had a sibling thing happening; a brother I took care of a lot as my mother had him 10 years after me. He was cute but I never see him these days. Thoughful too and I know how bloody rare that is.
Gurukripa came over from Thailand to drop his daughter off. Well I never did imagine God availing himself of such diversity. It never ceases to amaze me when I am actually surprised by something. Just shows you how presumptouos I am.
Gaura Purnima is coming up and I am actually looking forward to it. This 18 week term has taught me to appreciate free time and the leisure to get to the temple. I have to get to Nepal or better yet Bangladesh. Jees I never ever thought I would ever have to go to Bangladesh. I only ever heard it to be a place where people starved to death. It would be like going to Africa. What would possess you to do such a thing. Hell. I knew God would trick me with the visa thing or was it I that made that manifest with the pessimism?
Jethro Tull is better than the Beetles. I want to know how they got away with it.
I have decided I am going to succeed but i have yet to decide on what it is i want to succeed in. Death sounds a bit defeatist though I am sure it has a very good pay off.
Must sleep as i am sure I will bite some ones head off tomorrow if I don't and i think that is illegal though at times possibly warranted. Being in the class room is like processing all of lifes experiences and then hoping the stench is bearable. Uni is a means to help those contain any dysfunction that may manifest while trying to instruct the next generation. I did want to home school in the bush. Mind you I do like these little buggers.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Lila
It almost seems sacrilege to write now as a friends daughter is in the process of passing away but I am at a loss as what to do. The empty blankness that is loss. The fading hope, the damage, the grief, despair and ultimately the mournign for a daughter lost and in such circumstances. Knowing the moments of terror as the gunman accosted her.
We were just discussing today how our daughters need so much protection. My Vrindi was harrassed at a festival last night by a man who felt it was his God given right to speak with her. She is all of 14 years old. I can see now why Mohamad was so inspired to get some rules happening with the girl boy thing. My daughters are not up for slaughter to satiate a mans unrequited lust. They are not to be approached by anyone. They are the gems of the future, the mothers, sacred and should be treated as if precious, fragile. Some will think I am extreme but I know what comes from the abuse and exploitation of woman so I do not buy the freedom thing for a minute. Failed abortion that grew to become the bane of the mothers life. Left to the mercy of any lusty caste off the mother may have been too drunk to satisfy. It was a fine life, her life of freedom. Her perversions to see destruction raught again to some how justify her own putrid existence. The final result of absolute freedom, the sweet taste of unlimited material pleasure.
So Lila was shot in the head three times by a boy who thought he loved her. Her mothers grief is unimaginable. It takes a village but a village of people dedicated to the care of our children. The term global village is a farce and urban community is hell. The media is a means to manipulate ignorant people into believing a shopping docket, a tablet, a credit card or a pot plant will satisfy your very being. The beauty of that is it doesn't, so you keep coming back for more. The sad thing is the guys working on keeping it going are as much the victims as those they encourage. So it's not a plot or ploy, it's a tragedy. And you have to be a bloody genius to wise up to it. No one gets out of the matrix alone. I guess thats why the film resonated with so many.
Enough of my manic madness. Her body will be heading for a funeral pyre by now. She was a sweet girl, hard working and submissive. She wanted to marry I hear. Her mother and father work hard to help Srila Prabhupada.
We were just discussing today how our daughters need so much protection. My Vrindi was harrassed at a festival last night by a man who felt it was his God given right to speak with her. She is all of 14 years old. I can see now why Mohamad was so inspired to get some rules happening with the girl boy thing. My daughters are not up for slaughter to satiate a mans unrequited lust. They are not to be approached by anyone. They are the gems of the future, the mothers, sacred and should be treated as if precious, fragile. Some will think I am extreme but I know what comes from the abuse and exploitation of woman so I do not buy the freedom thing for a minute. Failed abortion that grew to become the bane of the mothers life. Left to the mercy of any lusty caste off the mother may have been too drunk to satisfy. It was a fine life, her life of freedom. Her perversions to see destruction raught again to some how justify her own putrid existence. The final result of absolute freedom, the sweet taste of unlimited material pleasure.
So Lila was shot in the head three times by a boy who thought he loved her. Her mothers grief is unimaginable. It takes a village but a village of people dedicated to the care of our children. The term global village is a farce and urban community is hell. The media is a means to manipulate ignorant people into believing a shopping docket, a tablet, a credit card or a pot plant will satisfy your very being. The beauty of that is it doesn't, so you keep coming back for more. The sad thing is the guys working on keeping it going are as much the victims as those they encourage. So it's not a plot or ploy, it's a tragedy. And you have to be a bloody genius to wise up to it. No one gets out of the matrix alone. I guess thats why the film resonated with so many.
Enough of my manic madness. Her body will be heading for a funeral pyre by now. She was a sweet girl, hard working and submissive. She wanted to marry I hear. Her mother and father work hard to help Srila Prabhupada.
Friday, February 1, 2008
mindful mundane meanderings
Whats going on in my head. A million things and yet seemingly nothing as non of it connects for very long and so the impact is reduced to naught. Probably more pleasent for those around me as I wreak more havoc than construct when imagining my thoughts amount to much.
If ever I wanted to purify, purge or even prevail then teaching or at least being in a classroom seems to be the perfect medium. This sounds a little smarmy but the classromm is both ecstatic and personally challenging. I imagine it has all been said before but it is a revelation for me so bare with this novices revelations. If nothing else I feel like I am recconecting with humanity. I am not sure if another can imagine what that means unless familiar with my life experiences. Just for interests sake I will elaborate a little.
An unfortunate girl falls pregnant at 19 to a boy who does not care for her. A failed back yard abortion results in my coming into the world in 1964. Heady times for some I expect but a little strained for the young girl with the unwanted babe that reminds her of the emotional traitor that bequithed her with the burden of child. Rejected by her family and all up pretty screwed up emitonally. Ignorant, hedonistic and utterly unwilling to surrender to the tedious task of catering to a child. I grow up rather rapidly in more ways than one and though I mingle in the world I feel like an edge dweller. It was trully unfashionable to be illigitamate in the 70s. Tedious details but the jist of it is I did not belong. Brought in to the world in an unloving union by a woman who was in denial aout her subliminal resentment towards me. Kicked out at 14 and some how managed to stabalise amongst the devotees for a while before embarking on my own procreative abilities. Although I loved my babies I wouldn't say it has been easy for them or me but non the less the community has helped to temper any difficulties and Curiousity helped in seeking solutions. Some worked. But the class room being less insular than a family puts me in both the firing line but also facilitates rewards that extend way beyond the joys of the immediate family to the the greater family and that is what it is supposed to be about. My warped being has thus far revealed that I am an irritable and miserly hearted.....prick for want of a better word. I normally associate that term with men but it really denotes smug ignorants and that has been my forte.
So these have been my latest personal revelations. Torn between the pain of thrashing out the rigours of work and commitment and indulging in the rewards that no other situation could possible offer. the price is hard work but I figure the reward extends way beyond any imagined pleasure I may have been dreaming of pursuing in my consummer based existence in Australia. Sure I was at the temple and studying so was not entirely entrenched but I definately fantasised about home and hearth. When it came down to it the reality is nothing would have really satified me as I am such a picky bitch. I put that down to Eoropean lineage. I've Germans a hard lot to satisfy though I am sure there are some sweet ones about. Not my lot. Grumpy bums who dissect till there's nothing left but skin and bones.
It is bloody cold here at the moment and I haven't even a candle for heat. I still refuse to ask the Gods to bring back the heat. I can not surrender to that willingly. Wscaping the cold is one thing but the heat can not be escaped.
Kalki fell on his head tonight because he thought it would be cute to tuck his arms and legs into his jumper and play little men. Propped on a chair he promptly rolled off and smashed his head onto the cement floor. He fell asleep soon after so I am hoping all is well when he wakes up. Another event in a day of what seems is a perpetually trying existence be it mundane or spiritual. They say it is as fraught there as well minus the death bit. Politics and fanangling. I guess if I survive life in a community I will be ripe for anything. It's not unlike being in a psychic boxing ring. I am going for the dancing like a butterfly though I do get a littel over confident and try and put my two bobs worth in. I think I eed more training but one day.
I dare not attach a photo as our line is so testy.
Grey days and we all wear jackets, scarves and hats all day. I need a bigger classroom. I have 12 students now and we are compelled to remain seated when in the classroom for want of any space at all. It's a bummer but the kids don't seem to mind bar active Nanda who can't stay seated for more than 30 seconds.
Shaka who is nearly 17 wants to live a life of her own God help me. This letting go of babies does not suit me. Girls are so vulnerable too. I can see a grieving mother on the horizon. I don't think I enjoyed my babies enough and it is all almost over.
I guess having an elder would help with this next stage. The western culture of parental redundancy is a bit sad.
If ever I wanted to purify, purge or even prevail then teaching or at least being in a classroom seems to be the perfect medium. This sounds a little smarmy but the classromm is both ecstatic and personally challenging. I imagine it has all been said before but it is a revelation for me so bare with this novices revelations. If nothing else I feel like I am recconecting with humanity. I am not sure if another can imagine what that means unless familiar with my life experiences. Just for interests sake I will elaborate a little.
An unfortunate girl falls pregnant at 19 to a boy who does not care for her. A failed back yard abortion results in my coming into the world in 1964. Heady times for some I expect but a little strained for the young girl with the unwanted babe that reminds her of the emotional traitor that bequithed her with the burden of child. Rejected by her family and all up pretty screwed up emitonally. Ignorant, hedonistic and utterly unwilling to surrender to the tedious task of catering to a child. I grow up rather rapidly in more ways than one and though I mingle in the world I feel like an edge dweller. It was trully unfashionable to be illigitamate in the 70s. Tedious details but the jist of it is I did not belong. Brought in to the world in an unloving union by a woman who was in denial aout her subliminal resentment towards me. Kicked out at 14 and some how managed to stabalise amongst the devotees for a while before embarking on my own procreative abilities. Although I loved my babies I wouldn't say it has been easy for them or me but non the less the community has helped to temper any difficulties and Curiousity helped in seeking solutions. Some worked. But the class room being less insular than a family puts me in both the firing line but also facilitates rewards that extend way beyond the joys of the immediate family to the the greater family and that is what it is supposed to be about. My warped being has thus far revealed that I am an irritable and miserly hearted.....prick for want of a better word. I normally associate that term with men but it really denotes smug ignorants and that has been my forte.
So these have been my latest personal revelations. Torn between the pain of thrashing out the rigours of work and commitment and indulging in the rewards that no other situation could possible offer. the price is hard work but I figure the reward extends way beyond any imagined pleasure I may have been dreaming of pursuing in my consummer based existence in Australia. Sure I was at the temple and studying so was not entirely entrenched but I definately fantasised about home and hearth. When it came down to it the reality is nothing would have really satified me as I am such a picky bitch. I put that down to Eoropean lineage. I've Germans a hard lot to satisfy though I am sure there are some sweet ones about. Not my lot. Grumpy bums who dissect till there's nothing left but skin and bones.
It is bloody cold here at the moment and I haven't even a candle for heat. I still refuse to ask the Gods to bring back the heat. I can not surrender to that willingly. Wscaping the cold is one thing but the heat can not be escaped.
Kalki fell on his head tonight because he thought it would be cute to tuck his arms and legs into his jumper and play little men. Propped on a chair he promptly rolled off and smashed his head onto the cement floor. He fell asleep soon after so I am hoping all is well when he wakes up. Another event in a day of what seems is a perpetually trying existence be it mundane or spiritual. They say it is as fraught there as well minus the death bit. Politics and fanangling. I guess if I survive life in a community I will be ripe for anything. It's not unlike being in a psychic boxing ring. I am going for the dancing like a butterfly though I do get a littel over confident and try and put my two bobs worth in. I think I eed more training but one day.
I dare not attach a photo as our line is so testy.
Grey days and we all wear jackets, scarves and hats all day. I need a bigger classroom. I have 12 students now and we are compelled to remain seated when in the classroom for want of any space at all. It's a bummer but the kids don't seem to mind bar active Nanda who can't stay seated for more than 30 seconds.
Shaka who is nearly 17 wants to live a life of her own God help me. This letting go of babies does not suit me. Girls are so vulnerable too. I can see a grieving mother on the horizon. I don't think I enjoyed my babies enough and it is all almost over.
I guess having an elder would help with this next stage. The western culture of parental redundancy is a bit sad.
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